Why do I trade long-term suffering for short-term comfort in
relationships?
Life requires us to make trades. Many of those trades are made unconsciously and motivated by
deep-seated fears. The opportunity is to make those fears conscious so they don’t rule you.
This newsletter will point you in that direction.
Today, you will get:
1. The process of fear-based decision-making
2. How to move past fear
3. Why this is an avenue to creating more purpose and meaning in your life
Fear is normal, and fear keeps us alive
We are biologically and evolutionarily programmed to feel and attune to fear. It is a reality of the human
experience, and it is not necessarily something we should endeavor to eliminate.
However, what we should endeavor to get rid of is a decision-making process based on fear because
decisions based on fear are often antithetical to creating deeper and more meaningful connections.
Fear keeps us stuck, limiting our ability to act with love. Fear-based decision-making is trying to protect
us from something, and we often don’t need protection. We need to face whatever it is that ails us.
Fear is especially destructive when it comes to relationships. In a relationship, it is the opposite of love,
and it creates barriers to our ability to give and receive love.
After all, the most loving thing you can do for a person is to be fully you. To express your truth and allow
a person to love the WHOLE you.
When we act out of fear, we limit the parts of ourselves that show up in the relationship, and we don’t
give people the opportunity to truly know us.
The irony is that in our pursuit of being kind and taking care of other people, we are actually being quite
selfish.
Essentially, we are saying, “You couldn’t handle this part of me, so I am not going to show it to you.”
We are making a decision for the other person and robbing them of an opportunity to expand their
ability for love.
Acting out of Fear
In relationships, we often make the unconscious decision to act out of fear. We don’t even know we are
doing it.
A helpful question to ask yourself is: am I keeping something out of this relationship because I fear what
the other person will do if they know?
When I say something, I mean things like:
1. Stuff that annoys you about the other person
2. Hopes and dreams that don’t align
3. Personal preferences that are left unsaid
4. Bigger lies of both omission and commission
Sometimes, these are super minor and really not a big deal. For example, I might be annoyed when my
partner leaves dishes in the sink. And I might be afraid to speak to that annoyance because I don’t want
to upset them.
Unfortunately, that does not work because even if I don’t speak it out, it still bothers me, and it still
shows up in the relationship.
I am just trading short-term peace (which is actually not peaceful at all) for a long-term breakdown
manifested through increased frustration and, eventually, resentment.
All of this makes sense, though! We depend on others for survival, so of course, we will guard against
relationship ruptures.
BUT, moving through these difficulties actually becomes a profound source of intimacy and connection if
navigated correctly.
Moving Through It
I want to reiterate - this is normal. We are wired to protect the relationship. Depending on how we were
raised and our style of attachment, we might REALLY struggle to speak our truths.
But regardless of where you lie on the attachment spectrum, these questions can direct you toward
wholeness and liberation.
Start by asking yourself the following:
If I speak my truth and I lose this relationship, what will happen to me? Really get into
detail here. And paint a clear picture of how your life will be different.
Many people don’t realize that the fear of losing someone is often overblown (again determined by our
attachment style), and we do not accurately account for the likelihood of this happening.
Secondarily, we often overestimate the importance of a particular relationship and will do anything in our
power to hold on, even when it is maladaptive.
Now, I am not suggesting you treat people in your life as expendable or disposable, but I am suggesting
that you accurately account for the importance of a person in your life.
If they are meant to be there, they can tolerate your truth.
Dr. Seuss summed this up beautifully when he said,
“Be who you are and say what you feel because those who mind don't matter, and those who matter
don't mind.”
Second, you can ask yourself:
Am I trading short-term peace for long-term suffering?
Or: If I don’t bring this into the relationship and nothing changes, what will happen?
Or: How long can I continue to tolerate this without building up resentment?
All three versions of those questions will bring you into contact with deep-seated fears regarding the
fear of a future outcome.
And lastly, you can ask yourself:
Where did I learn to be afraid of this? What relationships in the past have happened that
proved to me that this fear is valid?
And then alternatively:
What relationships have I had in the past that prove this fear is not valid? What has
interrupted my pattern prediction and shown me that I can show up?
Leveraging this into more purpose, more meaning, and more contentment.
This is BIG work, and answering these questions will lead to more questions and more questions and
more questions.
AND it will start you down the path of making these unconscious drives conscious.
For me - this is the whole point of therapy and honestly life in general. Liberating ourselves from
unconscious patterns that rule us so that we can live as more conscious, clear, and content.
From this perspective, each relationship gives us an opportunity to get to know ourselves better and to
create meaning from that pursuit.
We get to ask, what parts of me can I or can’t I bring to this relationship?
And when we get an answer to that, we get to drop deeper into the barriers that keep us limited. As we
work through those barriers, we grow, we expand, and we become more conscious.
It takes intention, and it is not always easy, but it's meaningful. And ultimately, that is all we can ask for.
Is what I am doing meaningful? Does it cause expansion or contraction?
And with this perspective, our lives become more interesting. And what a gift that is.
We send a newsletter out regularly. If you are interested in receiving this in your inbox, please submit your email to subscribe!
Comments